depress, like a guy

I feel like a guy more thn a gal in the relationship..
Why am I always the one to look for him?
Why am I always the one to travel all the way to go to his place and find him?
It is just becoz i drive??

When you have hard time in your childhood, you tend to have good pay back in your adulthood, how i wish my childhood was bad where by i can have some one to treat me really good and want me for his life in my adult hood..
But i guess i dun have the fave..
I never end up to be other want to be wife or future person who want to live with.
I dunno what wrong with me and what happened to me??
I am not purposely wanted to be difficult, but it really hurt me when he said that to me, i feel so useless and threaten. I am like catch in the middle and dunno what to do..
I am get depress easily, that me... I am trying to change but it just so hard..
I know my fren around me, even my mum were wonder, why do i have to treat them so well and treat them so nice, becoz their worried for me that i am been use...
Some time i feel that too, but i can't help it.. I tried to say out of my unhappiness but then, i always at the loose end..
I am not a good talker, I am not a good writer.. I am not good at anything, accept been use by others.
Why do others gal can have bf treating them like a queen, and make them like their in the heaven...
As for me, i always get scolded and ppl get frustrated with me. I din do it in purpose.. I always heard the words, or sentence.. "You dun touch me" "you just be quiet can" " can you get away from me"
Thn do he know why do i want to touch and hug him, becoz he had never hug me like last time. He had never been nice like last time, he had never been sweet like last time. I so hurting when you keep hear ding the same thing as "you go back, dun stay here..staying over night with him has become like a trouble..

I want to be sweet and nice, I know i am like a boy.. I am trying to ladylike.. I am a very careless person, i never did my things well.. always in a mass...

Is always easy to ask other to be strong, but it always the person who told the others can't be strong..
I am 28 this year.. I feel so useless...
Ppl can have good life and happy with some one really love them heartily..
I just wish to have one for my bday wish.. But why do i always get so hurt..

So stress in life..
I wish to end early of my life long time ago. But hell and heaven does not want me..
They want me to suffer more till their happy...
I have a had time to tell myself i am not a medium now. In real life yes i keep telling myself, but i my dream, i keep dreaming that i am back to my past life as a medium.. Deep inside myself i know i can't get away from this thing.
I feel sad when i look at my mum doing the medium stuff, she is sick and tired too, but i chose to leave her to suffer all those stuff.. every year now, i will cried to myself that i am a useless daughter...

Can i chose not to stay here?? Is not about the grass is aways green en at the other side, but is always when you have it but you do not how to appreciated it..